


Sleeping

by Silvertounge



Series: Changing Sides [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4295235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvertounge/pseuds/Silvertounge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has nightmares, some are just worse than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleeping

Sometimes, it was a really good thing that Toni stayed up till all hours of the night working on things. Usually though, it was a royal pain in her ass. She stayed up for days, ate no food and just worked. Most of the time she came out of her build sessions a little worse for the wear. Eyes dull, hair all over the place, irritable, sleepy, with a worried Steve on top of the mountain of not goodness. She didn't do it as often as she used to, but when she did, it was bad. Her exchanges with the outside world were limited to pulling Bruce in to help her with things, or yelling at people for being too loud near her lab. Steve had obviously never seen anyone work the way she did. She'd be willing to wager that her father never worked this way either. But it really wasn't that big of a deal. She hadn't died….yet.

Some nights though, it was a good thing. Some nights if she stayed up, she had the most interesting conversation with the rest of the team; she learned things about them that she never would have realized in the light of day. She joked around with Clint, heard wild tales from Nat that were sometimes homesick ruminations about the land she had left behind. She got to work out with Thor, until her muscles hurt and everyone screamed at them to shut the hell up because they'd end up screaming at each other just for the pure pleasure of screaming. She got to geek out with Bruce; converse about things that no one else seemed to really understand, physics equations and theories that no one else could really comprehend, then have the most wonderful talks about everything in general. Then there were the extra special nights when Steve couldn't sleep. Somehow he always managed to get her to stop working on whatever project had caught her fancy. She didn't know how, because that was a nearly impossible, but he always did. They always ended up snuggling on the couch watching a movie, or just sitting with each other in comfortable silence. And Toni never felt like the time was wasted, ever.

Tonight was a good night for Toni to be awake. Cool air ran in through an open widow, and chased out the scent of oil and fire from her cluttered workroom. She was covered in grease, her hair pulled back into a small tail to keep it out of her focused eyes. Her suit had been having an odd kink, and she was determined to fix it before their next mission. She had been running diagnostics for hours until she had finally found the frayed wires that connected the elbow joints to the main power frame of her reactor. She pulled pieces out reverently, and replaced the wire slowly. She had to make sure that it was perfect, with something like this there was no room for error. She double checked the placement, and had started working on another part of the wiring.

"Miss. Stark I hate to interrupt."

Jarvis's mechanical voice cut through the thick silence. Toni turned around startled, and promptly slammed her head against the edge of a table with a loud "thunk". She rubbed her head and swore viscously as she sat up to glare at the ceiling evilly. "Yes, Jarvis? That was a lovely wake up call."

"My apologies Miss. Stark," damn robot didn't sound the least bit apologetic, "but I'm picking up distress signals from Mr. Rogers' room."

"Distress signals?" Toni was instantly on the alert, "Is there anyone else in the room with him?" Who the hell would be stupid enough to go into Steve's room at God knows when in the morning, and fuck with him, besides her of course.

"No Miss. Stark, in fact I can find no reasons as to why Mr. Rogers would be in distress."

Toni wiped her messy hands off on a rag distractedly. There was no reason that Jarvis could pick up? "What are his vitals Jarvis?" Maybe he had the flu or something. Or maybe he was too cold, hell he could have just seen a big ass spider for all she knew.

"Heart rate is elevated, core temperature is slightly lowered, and he appears to be tossing around quite a bit."

She put the rag down and walked over to one of the computers quickly bare feet treading against the chilly floor confidently, "Bring up a video of his room for me." She tapped the thin screen a bit guiltily. She had cameras in every room in the house since Obadiah. She never really looked at the footage, but she could imagine Steve's reaction if he knew about all the cameras. Especially if he knew there was one in everyone's living areas. A picture popped up on the screen instantly, and Toni watched on a bit worried as Steve tossed and turned, muttering to himself quietly. Nightmares. It was defiantly nightmares; Toni's mind went to the dark side, or one really sexy dream. Personally she was hoping for a really sexy dream, because that would be fun to wake him up from."Alright Jarvis, lock everything up, save all my data and close down shop would you?"

"Of course Miss. Stark."

The lights in her workshop dimmed as Toni pulled off her grease stained wife beater. She threw it somewhere carelessly, and pulled on a clean Black Sabbath T-shirt. It wasn't the least bit feminine, but it went well enough with her raggedy sweats. Plus it was Black Sabbath, what wasn't to love? 

She walked out of the workshop, her bare feet instantly thanking her for the warmth of the carpets that lined the halls everywhere in the house. Her arc reactor glowed faintly through the black material of her shirt, and barley made any light in the hallway before her. Everything was lit on her floor, she'd had trouble being in dark places since her imprisonment, and she always had some sort of light on in her area, even if it was just her reactor. She padded over to the elevator and walked in a bit groggily, the need for sleep was slowly starting to catch up with her. She clicked the button for the 15th floor, and yawned softly. Maybe she'd actually sleep tonight.

The elevator lurched to life, and Toni waited for it to stop on Steve's floor with nervous anticipation. She walked into the dark space quietly when the elevator doors opened. The area was almost completely dark, and Toni looked around a bit nervously before walking down Steve's hallway. She marveled at how...old everything looked, while still being almost brand new.

Where her floor was the pinnacle of modern technology and design, his was old fashioned, with very few concessions to technology. And Toni was pretty sure he only kept those few things there to keep from hurting her feelings. An old forties radio stood on the counter, and in his living room, the huge T.V she'd furnished all the rooms with was tastefully disguised, so you wouldn't notice it unless it was on. She had an amusing suspicion that it spent more time off than on.

She walked to the end of the hall and stood in front of Steve's door a bit indecisively. She really wasn't sure if this was a brilliant idea. Steve really did like his privacy, and how the hell was she going to explain to him why she knew he was having nightmares? "Oh it's nothing, I've just had Jarvis spy on you. No big deal." Oh yea, that would go over wonderfully. He'd probably clock her. Actually, strike that he didn't hit women. So he'd probably just scold her until she felt like pond scum. She was a few seconds from turning tail and just letting it be, when she heard him through the door. His words were strained and he sounded terrified as hell. Small sobs trailed in with his words, and it hurt Toni to hear him in that state. So she gathered her courage and opened the door slowly.

She walked in silently, and shut the door behind her as quietly as she could manage. Her reactor lit up the small room through her shirt, casting everything in dim, icy blue shadows. She momentarily wondered if she should cover the damn thing with paper, icy blue was probably not something you'd want to wake up to when you spent 70 years doing time as a capsicle. But short of taking it out of her chest, there wasn't much she could do about it, and what if he woke up and didn't recognize her because it was gone? It was kind of hard to mistake someone with a giant flashlight jammed in between their boobs. If she took it out he might accidently pop her one, and then feel guilty later. So she decided to just let it be.

She shuffled over to his bed and sat down next to him softly, he was quiet right now, but she knew from experience that he'd be tossing and turning in a few moments. There always seemed to be breaks in nightmares. She vaguely remembered some R.E.M stuff Tasha had babbled about, but couldn't quite recall the information. Must not have been important.

She brushed his slightly sweaty hair out of his face with gentle fingers, and leaned over him slightly, "Steve," she whispered to him softly, she didn't want to shake him or make any loud noises unless she absolutely had to, "Steve babe.." the endearment felt odd rolling off her tongue, but she liked how it tasted on her lips when she used it for him, "Steve wake up," she rocked his shoulder lightly, the second she touched him, she was on the floor with a face full of pain. He had socked her. Right in the lip too. Her head lolled back against the floor and she tasted a faint amount of blood that had crept its way into her mouth. She held her lip gingerly and got up blindly, damnation and hell he had a good swing. Now she knew what Hitler must have felt like.

"N-Natasha?" His horrified voice echoed around the room, and he turned on a bedside lamp quickly, "Oh God, Natasha! Are you alright?" He walked over to her horrified. He'd hit her. Why the hell had he hit her? What kind of animal was he that he'd hit the woman he loved? Only cowards did that to a woman. He moved her hand away gingerly, and felt the blood leave his face at the sight of her busted lip. It was swollen, blood was oozing out slowly and the edges of the cut were already starting to bruise a dark shade of violet. "I'm so sorry Toni. I didn't know it was you, why are you in my room so early?"

Toni batted his hands away lightly and licked the cut, wincing at the slight sting, "Jarvis told me you were in distress." She took his hand softly and sat on the edge of the bed with him, ignoring the way his hands shook, "I came in to see if you were okay. You were having a nightmare." Yes captain obvious, she thought a bit snarkily, tell him he was having a nightmare, he obviously had noooo idea about that one. "Don't worry about my lip, not your fault. Wrong place wrong time." It was the truth. He hadn't purposely hit her, so she didn't really mind that he had. Besides if he ever purposely hither; you know, when hell froze over, she’d just pop him right back.

Steve looked at her blankly for a few moments, before resting his head on her shoulder softly. He clung to her tightly, and Toni ran her fingers through his messy hair gently. He didn't make a sound, just shook softly in her arms. She wanted to ask him, wanted to know about the horrors that ran free behind his wide blue eyes. She could only imagine what was so horrifying that it caused him to shake like a child, what he'd seen that caused this level of stress. She also wanted to know why the hell she'd never noticed this before, because something this bad….it had to show. She noticed everything under her roof, but she'd never noticed the nightmares? How had she never noticed the affect it had on him?

"I couldn't save him."

Toni was startled when Steve spoke, and part of her didn't believe it was actually Steve speaking. His confident baritone that Toni loved so much was absent. In its place, was a low shaky rattle that seemed so odd coming from Steve's mouth. Toni ran her fingers thru his hair softly, wincing slightly when the soft strands dragged against fresh burns. She really needed to invest in some gloves.

"He was counting on me," his arms were wrapped around her tightly, "and I let him fall. I let him fall, it was my fault."

Bucky. She'd read Steve's files obsessively before he became part of the team, not for good reasons of course. She was ashamed to admit, even to herself, that she'd read his files to find some weakness, something she could use against the perfect man. Because the vicious, petty part of her had wanted to find something that would prove Howard Stark had lied about Cap, that he wasn’t the perfect man; she never did. Now she was somewhat grateful, at least she didn't have to have him explain it out to her. 

"Steve, it wasn't your fault." She didn't really know what to say, because what could you really say? He'd lost his best friend, she couldn't relate to that type of pain. Her best friends where all alive, she could go see Pepper, joke with Rhodey, fight with Thor and Clint, and commit science with Bruce whenever she wanted. Steve couldn't. He had to wake up every day and face the fact that the people he cared about were dead.

"It was." He insisted a bit harshly, "it was my fault. I'm a super soldier. I should have been faster. I never should have let him split up from me." He trailed off; hysterically listing all the things he should have done to keep his best friend from meeting such a horrible end. Bucky had always protected him, why couldn't he, when the moment really mattered, protect Bucky? He couldn't protect anyone; he was completely useless as a soldier if he couldn't even protect the people he cared about. Worthless, he was completely and utterly worthless.

Toni stayed silent, just running her fingers thru his hair soothingly and rubbing small circles in his shoulders. He wasn't really all there at the moment. Part of him was back in the 40's watching his best friend fall off the side of a train; unable to save him. Toni knew that what she said wouldn't make a difference right now. She also knew that she didn't have the right words to say to soothe his pain; nothing she said could ease the pain he was in. She did know, from experience, that her just being there was the most helpful thing she could do for him, even if she couldn't say anything to make it better, when the hysterics were over she'd be right there for him. And then maybe she'd have something to say to him. Even if she did turn into a sappy fool on him, she'd say anything to make him feel better.

He relaxed in her hold slightly; his breath evening out as she held him close. He pulled her against him tightly, thankful that Natasha was here for him. Thank God he still had her to hold onto.

Then a terrifying thought struck him. What if he couldn't protect Natasha? What if something happened and he was too slow again. He clung to her tightly and started to sob softly as images of Natasha being stabbed by Loki, or falling from a building, or being killed if her rector failed, filled his mind poisonously. There were so many ways she could die, and his mind was throwing all of them at him. He couldn't save her, what if the worst happened and he couldn't save her? He sobbed softly and clung to her tightly, he'd be worthless for her. She'd die because he wasn't good enough to save her.

Toni tensed a bit when he started crying again, her chest pulled painfully at the gut wrenching sounds. What the hell caused it this time? She looked at him worried, and wondered if she should call for Bruce. Bruce knew more about psychobabble than she did; he'd be able to help wouldn't he? She didn't call for him though; she knew Steve wouldn't want anyone else to see him like this. So she held him close to her, whispering to him softly, trying to reassure him about whatever it was that was tearing him up so badly that he was falling apart in her arms. It scared her; because Steve was suppose to be the strong one. The super soldier. Clint and Nat were the master assassins, Thor was Shakespeare, Bruce had anger management issues, and Toni was the narcissistic cocky ass, and Steve was the old fashioned glue that held them together.

But who was supposed to hold him together? That was something Toni hadn't thought about when this relationship started. She knew it wasn't fair of her to always expect him to be the strong one, because he obviously had issues. Issues that she could never relate to. She'd never been frozen in ice, never woken up to find that everyone, and everything she'd ever cared about was gone before she could really experience it.

To be honest thinking about it now scared the hell out of her, because she didn't know how to do any of this. She'd never been taught, never had it done for her until it was too late. No one had ever comforted Toni, so Toni had never known how to comfort anyone else. Part of her wanted to give up and call Bruce. No doubt she'd just make this worse, Steve really did deserve better than to have her of all people trying to help him.

Another part of her refused to give up, this was her Steve, and she'd be damned if she let anyone else comfort him when she could be there for him. The thing about Toni was that she was stubborn. So she held him close to her and rocked him softly; trying to call up any images she had of comfort. They all came from other people she had seen; she really didn't have any firsthand experiences.

Steve tried to calm down, and clung to Natasha as best as he could. She felt so tiny against him, and she was so fragile. He couldn't pile this on her; she would be so uncomfortable dealing with his failures. She hated dealing with her own problems, let alone others. No doubt she'd be disgusted with his lack of control. No woman wanted her man to be a sobbing mess against her, this was ridiculous. He tried to pull back, move away so Toni wouldn't have to deal with this, but she wouldn't let him. She held him close to her and kissed his face softly, almost reverently. He listened wearily as she whispered softly to him, half mumbled utterings of love and support that soothed him slowly. Her soft lips brushed against his skin, and her warm arms encircled him, playing with his hair, and brushing it out of his eyes. Maybe…maybe she wasn't disgusted with him; maybe she didn't mind that he was a mess.

Toni watched ecstatically as he slowly came back to himself, sobs stopped shaking his body, and his blue eyes cleared up slowly, their usual sparkle coming back ever so slightly. She ran her hands over his bare shoulders softly keeping him as close to her as possible. She let go of him so she could lay down comfortably, his vibrant eyes searched her face for a few moments, and insecurities flashed across his face slowly. Toni shook her head a bit and kissed him softly, she didn't care about the freak out; though to be honest had it been anyone else she would have panicked and left. But this was Steve, and he deserved to freak out every now and then.

They sat in comfortable silence, reveling in each other's company languidly. Soothing through their problems silently. Toni smiled when she felt Steve's warm hand sneak around and take possession of hers. His fingers tangled with hers slowly, and he squeezed her palm lightly. Nothing could be better than this. No booze, or machines, or fighting could mean more to Toni than the feel of his hand against hers as he sought comfort from her. She watched him drift off slowly, holding her hand the entire time, like she could ward off the nightmares. She got up slowly, thinking he was asleep and was going to head back to her lab.

"Stay with me Natasha."

She looked over her shoulder to see him barely awake, sitting up in bed looking at her pleadingly. Toni's stomach twisted a bit, this would be the first time she would share a bed with anyone for any other reason than quick gratification. More importantly this would be the first time she shared a bed with him. It probably wasn't a good idea; he'd wake up in the morning and get his 40's sensibilities in a twist, and then there'd be yelling. But she didn't really want to leave him alone. She couldn't leave him alone. What if he woke up again? It would take her too long to get a message from Jarvis, save everything, take the elevator, and then get to his room. Plus she might have to repeat the split lip experience, which still hurt. So she settled for the easy way out, if he got mad in the morning then so be it. Because right now he needed her.

She walked back over to the bed a bit nervously, and crawled under the covers next to him. She lay on her side and faced him quietly, waiting for him to settle back down. He scooted over next to her and pulled her close to his strong chest, keeping her safe in his strong arms. Nothing could touch them right now, because he was holding her close his hand resting on her chest covering her arc reactor, literally protecting her heart from harm. And she was curled around him breathing in the smell of old spice and propaganda, tangling her fingers in his hair to let him know she was still there with him. They lay together contently and drifted off to sleep silently.


End file.
